I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
