when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
