I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
You pole danced in your parka.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
