So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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