I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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