I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize