My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
