If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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