Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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