I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
