the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
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