I think my vagina is haunted
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
