What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
