wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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