honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
The cops high fived after they tackled you
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
