yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
