Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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