Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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