Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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