I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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