please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
