She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
