It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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