are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
