OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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