My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
