I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
