Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
i believe in u and ur pee
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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