I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
