FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
