You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Randomize
