I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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