If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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