youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
