So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
