you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
