The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
