my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize