theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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