thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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