i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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