is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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