my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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