omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
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