what day is it and did you see me today?
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
this is an emotional support booty call
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
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