my soul wont recognize me after tonight
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
