Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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