Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
