i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
