even my farts smell like vagina
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
