I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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