Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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