Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
