explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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