Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Randomize
