im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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