I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
