Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
