I swear she didn't look like that last week.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
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