Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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