The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize